Touch of Lavender
by twent47blue
Summary: There is one person in my life who is nothing...means nothing, but magic. English is not my native tongue. Be gentle.


There is one person in my life that I've always wanted. If only they would also feel the same way as I do, then everything would be perfect. But I guessed, not all things in life can be perfect. The same way that there are no perfect people, we each have our own flaws and shortcomings, they are just some people who are good at hiding it better than others.

I know I am not perfect, I'm not good. But there is one thing I am good at, and would always be good at, and that is loving you. I will remain faithful to you, even though you may never notice me, even though you will never get to see what is in my heart. I will forever love you. In my own way, in my special way, my love for you will be the only thing that is perfect about me. I may not have everything, I may not be good at other things, lack talent and skills to meet your standards, but in this one thing, I will surpass them all. I would only be the only one on top, and I would be looking down on others, as their love paled in comparison to mine.

You were like a kid sometimes, one of my favorite things about you, one of the reasons I fell in love with you. I love you with all my heart, but will these feelings ever reach you? I wonder.

There was a summer when I confessed to you. Things are getting out of hand, so I finally decided to get this over and done with, if I was going to lose you, so be it. I love you so much it kills me that I cannot say it to you out loud and express my feelings. A part of me dies each time I have to hold myself back and come back to reality that you are not mine. That I cannot be selfish and hog you all to myself, there is also a point that there would come a time that I would forget myself and show what is hidden inside of me ever since that day I was born to love only you. I know you would get angry then, you would hate me for not telling you. I never thought that I would even up my rank and even earned a position as your friend, and as the years gone by, I have established myself, and I must have done really good by you and you announced to everyone that I am your best friend.

I should be happy, right? I should be rejoicing to the high heavens that all my prayers and wishes had finally been heard. But, I'm sad. In fact I am devastated. Why is it so, you may ask? Because I can no longer do all these things and still remain the same by you. There will come a time you would hate me for it, for not telling you, from hiding it from you. So even if my heart was so happy that you are finally seeing me for the first time, it is not what I want. I am greedy and selfish, I'm sorry, I am the lowest of the low. Because I want you. Want? In what way, some would wonder curiously, how could another man want another man, could it be at the same level as some of the others are thinking. Like wanting a sparring partner, a gaming buddy or like you, a best friend. No, Shion, my want is something different, far more worse than you think. You might cringe and ran away from me if I define to you what kind of want I am needing from you.

Maybe for the first in our times together, you would learn the word despicable to describe your so-called best friend. Or better yet, disgusting. After all this time we were talking about girls, talking about A cup and B cup girls, and how you were a boobs man and I am a butt man, it boils down to this gory detail, that I know you would find me revolting that I am thinking of you the same lines and the same way we were rating those girls when we were girl-watching and hanging out. You would probably shower in alcohol because there were numerous times you have touched me and hugged me like we were brothers, and I am not thinking of anything brotherly about you not in any sense of that word at all. I was lusting after you. My best friend, my best bud, I have my eyes on you ever since we were seven years old, yes, Shion, hate me if you must, I have been lewd and disgusting even if I haven't been circumcised yet. Now that we are grown up and part of the working world, I have upgraded to not only romantically thinking of holding your hand or kissing you, my fantasies had even been upgraded to 3D with even high definition and surround stereo as you moan and groan and call out my name.

If I could change myself, I would have done so since the time I've recognized that there is something different about me, why I am not liking girls the same way I like boys. Why I feel more comfortable huddled with a guy than making beautiful eyes with a girl, or sighing about how good they smell or how much I wanted to touch their boobs to see if they are real or if they are just double padded.

So sad, isn't? I have secluded myself from others because of this. Everyone thinks I'm just shy and you were the only one who took the time to like me and make me your friend. You might be regretting them now, right?

Why is there a need to draw a line? To put labels on people and their preference. Can we just be ourselves and still be equal? Like even though I swing that way, I want you to see me as me and not the person who is that kind like I have a label on my forehead, like I am branded or jaded, and need to be an outcast because everyone thinks I am not normal because I have violated the "normal" norms of society. But isn't a wonder that they haven't made a third rest rooms for the 3rd sex? Or how about a different sitting arrangement or table and a whole different facility as well like they did back then when whites and colored are two different kind of species. Even though it's got nothing to do with the color of my skin, my religion and ethnicity, it still feel like I am leper and if the head of my community, my parents and their friends finds out that I am this way, everything about my life will soon drastically change. I am sure I will no longer be welcomed in my church or I would no longer go to the charity ball at the club house or even go home for that matter. I would be a social outcast. And if you finally find out, you would also turn your back on me.

I really don't know how you are going to react or what are going to say if you do find out the truth. But I am willing to hide all of these to save my heart from being broken into million pieces.

I was really going to confess to you. But courage evaded me, so we graduated and we both attended different colleges and had different lives. Its been years since we last saw each other. And after all these years I am still your best friend, despite the gap of the years, you still invited me to this special day. Your special day.

Do I really deserve this honor? I have exceeded myself once more, when you told me that I needed to be there because I am going to be your best man.

It hurts a lot. I don't know if I can accept this. But if you are happy. I would be willing to let you go. If she would be your happiness. I would defy everything and give you everything even in exchange for my own happiness, for you, my best friend. I love you more than she could ever could. This proves to you my love indeed surpass them all because I have sacrificed this for your happiness.

I was right. At the last minute, you did brush me off. At the last minute you said you will forget that I ever did say anything, for the sake of our old friendship, you will pretend that I didn't try to kiss you or confess to you what I have been hiding from you after all this time.

But you know what, I know. I know this would be the last time I would ever hear from you again. This night would be the last night that I would be your best friend. Because as soon as I stepped out of this door, you will no longer want to have anything to do with me. You will suddenly develop a selective amnesia and forget all about me, forget that I ever existed in your life, that I ever was and has been your best friend almost half of your life.

In the end, I still feel that I have achieved the impossible. That I have achieved something no one could ever could, survive a one-sided love that lasted almost half of my life. Even way before I ever learned what love really means. To me its all you. You are my meaning, the reason for my existence. But I guessed, I have been stripped off that right, and that privilege. But no one can take away what is hidden in my heart. This is all I have left now. And despite the fact that the person whom it belongs to is no longer here nor acknowledge my existence, I will still live on, move on from this pain. I will surpass this. And just let you live inside of me. Until I am strong enough to let you go and pass on this love to someone else who was willing to accept me for what I am.

But Shion, thank you for everything. Without you I will not be this strong. I will not be this tough. I will not be able to overcome everything because of my one-sided love for you. So in your memory, I will let this feelings remain until it fades away and open new doors to a new love. It was nice to see you. And I am happy because even if I am not the one at your side, I gave up my happiness for yours.


End file.
